Sometimes women will tell me:
“Perhaps your methods of restoring one’s relationship with one’s mother can work, but not for me.
“You have no idea how toxic my mother is. Our relationship is beyond repair.
“And in any case, there’s not a one-size-fits-all-solution to any problem. Everybody is unique.”
Then sadly they don’t try out the ideas I’m offering. And stay stuck in a relationship with their mother that’s making them miserable.
And here’s the thing, your relationship with your mother is like a vine with shoots and branches everywhere, impacting all your other relationships. Especially the one you have with yourself.
Sometimes we don’t want to try something new, because we’re scared. Even though the yelling, and the fights and the feeling horrible afterwards don’t feel good, at least it’s familiar, right?
Please allow yourself to just imagine how your life will be when you feel 100% peaceful about your mother.
I can’t tell you how empowering it is when your mother pushes your buttons, and you can stay calm, cool and collected. And realize you’ve become unflappable.
Finding the truths that apply to everybody
What I did, first for myself and then for my clients, was to find a few common truths about how relationships work for all humans.
Let’s talk about three of these truths that hold up for all people. They’re about emotions.
It was almost unbearable to me that my mother felt so lonely after my dad died. At the same time, I felt resentful that I was the one supposed to take away her loneliness. I wanted to get on with my own life.
The underlying resentment often made me fight with her and even yell at her. Just to ask myself afterwards: why is it I talk to my mother in a way I won’t dream to talk to anybody else?
It's okay and quite normal to feel negative half of the time
That’s just the way life works. Negative feelings, such as loneliness, give us a context for the positive. Experiencing joy is so much sweeter after a season of grief. So, there was no need for me to freak out about negative feelings.
In and of themselves feelings are pretty harmless
Emotions can be very uncomfortable, but they can’t kill us. All an emotion really is, is just a sensation we have in our bodies. Live became a lot easier once I wasn’t so afraid of my feelings anymore.
You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings
I also realized my mother’s feelings are hers. She had to deal with loneliness to become the person she’s supposed to be. Her feelings help her to change and grow.
Our relationship improved so much once I stopped trying to control everything so that she can feel good all of the time. My resentment also disappeared.
There’s not a one-size-fits-all solution
So, yes of course there’s not a one-size-fits-all-solution to anything as complicated as a relationship with your mother. Let me also say I get it that your relationship with your mother can be filled with hurt and dirt.
That’s why one on one coaching, especially, is invaluable in helping you to restore and renew the relationship with your mother.
If you want to experience the luxury of having a trained person’s undivided attention for a whole hour to discuss your relationship with your mother, please book a free call with me.
It could mean the beginning of a totally new relationship with your mother.